To Pick Up or Not to Pick Up – That is the Question!

 

So here is yet another dilemma of the human condition. I’m sure guys confront this issue every time they go out with little to no thought but for us women, its a different issue.  There’s the peer pressure issue and then the social stigma attached to anything we may do in public witnessed by anyone from our closest friends to mere acquaintances. Do we as ladies approach a guy or not?

Now I’m not much of a feminist nor do I consider western or modernized women oppressed – there are some inequalities still evident in society but we’ll leave them for another post another day. So as modern, westernized, liberated women – what are we to do?

Most of my girl-friends all subscribe to the “its the guys responsibility to come and talk to me if he’s interested” but is that more from a position of insecurity rather than from social etiquette? How many single, modern, western women are willing or have approached a guy they have never met before in a social setting outside of their comfort zone? That is somewhere public like the beach, supermarket, restaurant or pub? Are we really just kidding ourselves when we cite our “liberation” or “freedom to choose” when we leave a significant event in our lives up to the opposite sex or mere chance?

So if we don’t take the initiative in this area of our lives, why not? Are we afraid more of what our girl-friends will say or what the guy we approach will say? Or do we worry about what our family will think of us?

Me, personally, I think its more that we are afraid of what our friends will think. Consider this first. Whenever we as women are going for a night out what is the most important thing on our minds? Is it where we are going or perhaps who or how many others will be there? Or are we concerned that we might be late due to another commitment or that we may not be able to find the place? Definitely not. The main thing on our minds will be what are we going to wear? Followed immediately by what are our friends going to be wearing and lastly do we have a nice enough ensemble that will ensure we won’t be surpassed especially by anyone we know. The common issue featuring here is what will others thing of….. So its not really a great leap of faith to extend that thought process to the meeting of guys. Even if our friends are the ones giving encouragement to “go for it” this concern will always be in the back of our minds. What will they think of me? Will they think I’m a “ho” or perhaps “desperate”?

The next issue that would be a stumbling block to our liberation in initiating a conversation with the opposite sex is our sometimes impossible expectations. Its easy to not concern ourselves with approaching anyone if we can simply right-them-off as not good enough or inferior to our requirements. Some of this is not entirely our fault. Some of these impossible expectations come from our childhood experiences and “programming”. As young or grown women we need to come to our own realization and accept the fact that there is no “Prince Charming” coming along on a white horse to rescue us from our poor lonely unsatisfying existence. Nor are we going to bump into a lost Prince in a bar or a nightclub and be swept off our feet into royal life and be taken care of for the rest of our lives. Now I’m not saying that can never happen, but we need to be realistic in our expectations. Rather than simply putting our lives on hold waiting for the near impossible to happen, we should focus on the more realistic possibilities and if the amazing should happen then embrace it with open arms.  Not everyone is going to be romanced off their feet by their dream movie star, rock star or a multi-millionaire. We need to give the “mere mortal” guys a chance as well. More often than not we may be surprised.

If the girls are going for a night out on the town with the intention of meeting someone, don’t go “hunting in a pack”. If you are in that place in your life its a much better idea if you just grab your “bff” and hit the town together. While I’m not suggesting any ladies should go out on their own these days but if you are not confident enough yet or are just starting off thinking about approaching some guy then you will have a lot more success if you just have your “wing girl” with you. Guys will easily be intimated by a large group of girl-friends checking-them-out when you bring him over to meet your friends. Most likely the guy will also have a “wing man” so the best chance is that your “bff” will at least have someone to talk to while you are doing your best to be intelligent, seductive and interesting with your new acquaintance. If you are after  something deeper here than just a good nights “shag” then don’t drag the engagement along – leave some mystery and intrigue. Offer your phone number – since you initiated the meeting its perfectly acceptable to not wait until he asks for it. Be upfront with when you are available if you have other commitments. Don’t leave it up to him to try and read your mind or guess at the best times to see you again. Even drop some hints on places that you would consider good as “first date” venues. If you are in it just for a good shag then I wish you all the best – I would never judge anyone on their decisions in life. Its your happiness and its up to you to do what makes you happy. No one else is going to do that for you.

As much as we hate to admit it, us ladies along with the guys, know within a matter of seconds of meeting someone if there is any “chemistry” or not. We can talk until we’re all blue in the face about how its the person “inside” that counts and that getting to know a person is what makes “it” special. Now I’m not denying any of those facts can be true for some people or for the rest enhance and amplify the sharing of life’s experiences. But when it comes to animal magnetism – its either there or its not. We would do all of ourselves a great service if we would just simply acknowledge this and accept it. Rather than doing what religions and cults all over the world have tried to do for centuries and suppress our basic human instincts'. For me personally if god created us then it is in this way that we were made. So therefore unless god is the greatest hypocrite of them all he/she must accept us for how we are and not expect the impossible. To me that is the equivalent of building a computer, writing a program for it and executing that program while all along expecting the computer to perform a completely different task to that in which we programmed it to do. Now I’m not suggesting we all cast off our clothes and run naked through the streets satisfying our desires with whoever we want. Moderation is always important. We will always be attracted to different sorts of people and as we grow-up even those will change. So its important not to get too committed to someone else early on in ones life as this simply amplifies the potential for failure as we and our priorities change. Instead we should share and experience life and love with any number of different people. If we happen to find ourselves still with the same person after we have somewhat matured and the desire to legalize that union exists amongst both parties then the option should definitely be explored. Until then be open and honest with those we meet casually or socially. We may not consider ourselves attractive for whatever reason but there is bound to be others that do. Unless that is a mutual thing its much fairer to all if that is made clear at the very beginning. Don’t take advantage of others investment in you for your own personal gain unless you are willing to reciprocate equally.

The lottery of relationships

 

So here it is, today’s $64M question. Are we inevitably doomed to be alone or is there hope for the individual?

Recent personal events have made me spend more than a few hours over coffee thinking about the above. Apart from the hopeless romantics, do sane, intelligent, well educated and logical people believe in the “one” for each of us? Statistically speaking anyway, the odds of this being true are hopeless. Of the ~6billion people on the planet, assuming an equal male-female ratio (which in practice I know its not true but for the sake of this discussion) that leaves ~3billion males and ~3billion females. Geographically speaking therefore, if you were to live in say China, your odds of meeting your “one” would have to be better than say someone else living on Xmas Island where the population is very small. So to have the best chance of meeting your “one” you would have to travel to each continent at least once, travel to all reasonably populated cities and then try and meet the maximum amount of the opposite sex (assuming heterosexual here) before moving on to the next city. Would there really be enough time in ones life-time to actually accomplish this feat? My “gut” instinct says “no” but perhaps it would be mathematically possible assuming you didn’t have to work for the most-part of your life. So does that mean those of us who are not movie stars, billion/millionaires or politicians are simply doomed to wander around aimlessly our “habitat” hoping that one day we might just “bump” into or be introduced to our
"one” and live happily ever after?? Sounds like bit of a fairy tale to me. Have we therefore been sold a “lemon” by our parents, religion and populist movies and drama?

Another option is that we are simply victims of random chance. If that is not the case then we must default to the religious belief of a “higher” power with a designed planned for us. If this is the case then how the hell can what we have ended up with be considered a “plan” even in the most loosest sense? This scenario would have to be one of the worst designs ever conceived. Or more likely the truth would be the absence of any plan which results in the random chaos that we are exposed to. Or maybe its more like a design flaw?

As human beings are we destined to forever be involved and then abandoned for the rest of our lives. With the accumulation of acquaintances' being the total worth of our existence?  Having experienced the rapture of the "first date” and then the subsequent abandonment of the break-up – is this the full circle of life's relationships? The merry-go-round of loves and losses? Is this all the substance there is to the human connection? Or is this really a human condition?

Personally, when it comes to god and religion, I subscribe to the ant-farm concept. That is “god” is more like a little kid with a magnifying glass in the sunshine focusing the beam on the worker ants (us) as they go about their business. Watching them as they burn-up in the heat. Then getting much joy from this infliction of pain on the helpless and hopelessly under-powered ants. For those that wonder where this concept could possibly come from read the Book of Job in the old-testament of the bible and you will understand.

Assuming there is no plan (as the evidence doesn’t support this idea) and we simply randomly meet people in life as experiences intersect then we are left with “natural selection”. Now this plays apart in what happens even if you subscribe to the “plan” concept. Since no matter how hard we try we are all slaves to our inbuilt nature to procreate. For this procreation to be successful we individually need to choose the strongest and most able to provide partner that comes our way. This is why us girls always go for the “bad” boys – especially when we are younger – as they not only satisfy our desire for excitement and thrills but they are also daring and assertive which gives the impression of “strength” and therefore a good mate. This assertiveness often back-fires and we can end up on the receiving end of this “strength” in violent episodes' leaving us bruised and beaten. Along with these physical assaults is also  psychological control that makes it near impossible to exit the relationship without great fear and uncertainty.  Those strong enough to overcome these fears are able to eventually, with help, move on and live good lives. My congratulations go out to any women who has accomplished such a feat. If any reading this are still stuck in the toxic relationship all I can say with my whole heart is get help and get out. It is your only option for survival.

The other influences on our procreation natural selection is what I like to call the “3 most powerful aphrodisiacs” . Now us girls can argue ‘till we are blue in the face against this concept. However we each do it at least a few times in our lives. Some, of course, a lot more.

These three aphrodisiacs are the most powerful attractants women can experience. Now, in no particular order, the first I will mention is “money”. Its quite simply amazing how many women will simply follow the money to where-ever it may lead them. It offers women security and comfort. Two very important requirements for procreation. So any man with a substantial amount can seem strangely appealing even if he initially is not our “type”. The next is “power”. Politicians mostly fall into this category. How I would love to have just $1 for every politician throughout history that has circum to a beautiful women’s wiles in order for her to gain some form of power-sharing or financial benefit or security. I doubt I would need any actual references here to convince anyone. But the most recent would be a British politician. But he will definitely not be the last. Then finally there is “fame”. Many people who actually achieve fame are more interested in getting rid of it than anything else. Mainly due to the lack of privacy and loss of personal space and freedom. They tend to envy the average “Joe” who can come and go at their local deli anytime of the week they like. However to many women “fame” is a very powerful attractant. It can, by those smart enough, be turned into either or both of the other two. Used well fame can bring the recipient money or power or both. Perhaps this explains why famous people seem to have the greatest problem with infidelity compared to simply the rich or powerful?

Blog on folks!!